You deserve better.

Well, I've only known you for a few months and honestly, I'm really sorry for what happened to you. I could have prevented it from getting worse but I was an idiot who didn't care then. I just wanted to tell you that you deserve better. After spending some time with you and your friends, I saw what he was missing. He's an idiot for fucking you over. I guess you're one of the few reasons that inspired me to change my ways and make a life changing decision. So, I want to take this time to say Thank You. I mean it. You're such a great person. Although you may seem lost right now, which may lead you to act like something you really are not, you're still a great person. You're a caring friend, welcoming person, and most of all, strong. You've managed to keep your ground even after all the shit you went through. I may not know the whole story but I know enough to understand how much it hurts to get fucked over by someone who you actually wanted to trust. I've been on the same boat as you, but I was the terrible person on that boat. I guess that's why I understand you when it comes to this situation. I've made my mistakes in the past and I've been spending every moment of my life trying to correct them, so far, I'm doing a great job since I'm still friends and bestfriends with most of the girls I've hurt in the past. So, what I'm trying to say is that you should stop blaming yourself for what happened. You let your guard down and he took advantage of it. You can't keep beating yourself up for what happened or else you'll never move on. You need to accept the facts and face the present with your head up and look straight ahead. You need to stop fucking around and get your act together. Because honestly, the way you're acting right now, is not so different with the way he acted when he was with you. You're hurting people left and right and I think it is unfair that you're using your own pain to justify your actions. I know it's scary to go out there again and trust but here's a friendly advice, life is a bitch. One day your happy, next day your shit. The only thing we can really do is adjust. Sometimes we need to lower our "Happiness meter" so that even when life turns to shit, we can still be happy. So you told me you need to go find yourself again, well, I'll try my best to help you. You may not trust me as well, but that doesn't mean I won't try. You're mean more to me than you think. I'm really thankful that I met you because if I didn't, I would have never met the girl that changed me for the better. So, I'll try me best to help you fulfill that New Years resolution of yours.

"Life is never simple. It demands so much, expects so much, and takes so much. But Life will never throw anything at you that you cannot handle. Because if you just keep your ground, and move forward, you'll see that Life is forgiving, caring, and loving. Because in the end, Life leads you to happiness."

With every word,

It's a little sketchy.

I'm bored so I'd like to try writing again. It's been a while, so bare with me. I'll do a better one but for now, here's 10 minutes of my time expressing my feelings.

It started off with just another day,
looking for another girl to sway.
but somehow its you who came my way,
And you changed me until this very day.

No intentions to take anything serious,
but you just can't help it,
when you're given someone precious.
Within my reach, within my grasp,
each moment with you my heart starts to collapse.

Few weeks went by,
and we've gone past saying Hi
Spent every minute talking to you,
wondering if these feelings are true.

Every move you make, every step you take,
guarantees me that this is not another mistake.
Mesmerizing feelings I cannot shake,
Feels like I'm dreaming while I'm awake.

Good vibes. Good times. Good company.
Every moment with you is a luxury.
So here's me taking the time,
To show the world what is mine.

With every word,

Doubts.

Doubts. It's probably the hardest obstacle in every relationship. I know that it's hard for you to trust me after telling you everything about my past relationships. I mean, I knew that was gonna happen after telling you about my previous relationships but I didn't care. I believe that if you really wanted to give me a chance, you'd be able to overlook my past and focus on what I'm trying to become in the present so that I can be a better person for the both of us in the future. And I know that you're trying really hard to forget about my past and simply focus on who I am today. I have to admit, I've made several mistakes in my past. I've burned so many bridges on the way to where I am today. And I know that those experiences of mine may make me seem like a terrible person but the fact that I'm trying to correct my mistakes from the past and not allow it to repeat in my present and future, I think that counts for something. I know you're having a hard time to trust me and I understand that. I understand how you're afraid of getting played and hurt. Honestly, I can't guarantee that you're not gonna get hurt, but I can guarantee that you're not gonna get played. In every relationship, there's always gonna be hurting from both sides, that's inevitable. But it's how we deal with those painful moments that will define our relationship. So if you're already getting scared before it even happens, just ask yourself, would you really be able to handle the pain when it happens? Will you be able to fix things when the situation presents itself to us? Because if you're scared now, honestly, I don't think you can. But I know your worries will disappear in time. I mean, we've only known each other for a couple of weeks and it is only normal to have trust issues, but I'm hoping that one day, you're gonna get over those trust issues of yours and be comfortable with me. And you know what, I'm always gonna keep trying to convince you that I am different from my past, even when you trust me, I'll continue to show you, because that's something you deserve to see, I want you to be comfortable with me, always. So, you can either play it safe and keep your options open, or risk it all in hope for something wonderful.

With every word,

Unexpected.

People always tend to make plans for their lives. They plan on what they're gonna do on the coming weekend, plan which college they're going to attend, plan what job they're gonna have, and basically, plan everything that they can in order to have an organized life. People plan so that they don't lost track of where they want to go in life. But sometimes, plans never go according to plan. You picture and create a perfect plan in your head and when you finally set out in reality, your plan ends up becoming an epic fail. Sometimes plans backfires and you're left with uncomfortable moments of your life because you never got use to improvising. People spend most of their lives planning, and failing, and creating back-up plans after another because their plans always ends up failing at some point. I think I've learned my lesson about planning certain things. Sometimes, it's better to just go with the flow. Ride the wave and see where it takes you and adapt to the changes it may bring to your life, whether it may be good or bad. You see, I met this girl. First time I met her she didn't even cross my mind after I saw her. She was just that girl that you notice when her friends are around or if she's around as well. I never once thought I'd plan to date her or even take her seriously until recently. I think the best about dating her is that it was unexpected. I never saw her in my future, nor did I told myself that, "I'm gonna get with her." None of those things even occurred when I met her. But the unexpected happened. One morning I woke up, and next thing you know I'm holding her hand. I guess after that scenario, things change on my end. I saw her in a whole new way. Suddenly she's this girl that I can't stop talking to day and night. Next thing I know I'm hanging out with her friends, bonding and actually getting to know them. After that, I was hooked. I think her friends made me want to get to know her even more. The fact that they welcomed me made me feel comfortable about chasing after her. Then next thing I know I'm going to parties with her friends and her. But I think what made me really interested in her is when I started going to church with her. The vibe that I get while we're at church at 5 in the morning is just mesmerizing. I feel so comfortable when I'm standing, sitting, or even kneeling beside you. I feel like one of those adult couples who goes to church every Sunday. Those are like the real, serious couples. I like that feeling. See, the thing is, I never planned for any of this to happen. The opportunities just presents themselves and I either take them or leave them. And I'm glad that I took every opportunity that was offered to me to be closer to you. And now suddenly I'm meeting your parents today? I may be shitting bricks right now but I know when I come over in a few hours, and I see you, I'll be fine. I'll be fine because I know no matter what happens, I'll still have you. And today you actually met my Mommy. You did kinda fail because you're to damn shy and she was too damn talkative about my past relationships..... Hopefully that didn't scare you away. My mother has a weird sense of humor like me. But overall, what I want to say is that, I think that the best things in life are the ones we never see coming. The ones that surprises us and actually takes our breaths away. And now, I can't stop myself from falling for you. Don't worry, this is not one of those few months thing. I know a lot of people have told us both that, those sweet moments are just in the beginning, but we'll beat the odds. I know we can. So, I end this love&adventure with this favorite quote of mine,

Life is not measured by the number of breaths, but by the moments that take our breath away.

With every word,

Heh.

I love how you breathe when you sleep. Somehow it's quite soothing.

I can get use to this feeling.

With every word,

Reasons.

Well, last night I asked her a very simple, yet complicated question.

"Why do you like me? And what made you interested in me?"

Hmm... That is quite a complicated question to answer, but on my end, I think it's quite simple. It's easy to answer because I understand why I'm chasing after you, why I'm working so hard to be with you, and why I'm trying my best to prove to everyone that this is different, that this time, I will make things right and I will make you have the answer to that question that I asked you a while back, "What is your happiest memory?"

Well, my answer to this question is not fully finished because I am barely getting to know you, but I do have a strong enough reason to actually keep on trying to be with you. One of the first reason is the way you make me feel when I'm next to you. I feel at home. Not like my house kind of home, but that whole I'm back in the Philippines kind of home. I've always longed for that feeling ever since I came to America and somehow, I get it when I'm with you and your friends. Another reason is how you smell. Whenever I'm next to you I can't help but become intoxicated by your scent. Your scent is quite soothing. It relaxes me which is why I like being next to you. Always so calm and peaceful (except when you start to pinch me like crazy). Another reason is your damn dimples. I hate how when you smile things suddenly changes from bad to good, from worse to better. Your dimples makes you so damn cute that I can't stop looking at you (I feel like a total creeper). But what I really like about you is your personality. I think that won me over. I like how your shy but very very mean when you begin to talk and tease people. I like how you can be nice and mean at the same time. I think it's quite charming. I like how you still manage to find a way to make things work even if you're in a pinch. Like how you're still willing to webcam with me even when your family is there or how you never forget to wake me up whenever I ask you too. (Hopefully that doesn't change). Best of all, I like how you changed me without even trying. I like how because of you, I want to be a better person. You brought me back to my old self, but better. You make me want to try to be a better person everyday. And the fact that you're willing to look over my past and see me for who I am today, well, only an idiot wouldn't want to be with a girl like you. And finally, before I forget, I love the way your smile just takes my nervousness and worries away. So, this is my answer for now, like I said, it's not finished because everyday, you manage to add new answers to this question.

With every word,

Reassurance.

I wish I can get more reassurance from your end. It'll probably make me feel a bit more confident about all the things that are happening right now. I hope when the time comes, you'd be able to stand up for us, even if it scares the shit out of you. Because I know when the time comes, I'd step up for the both us, even if it means going up against the world.

With every word,

Challenge Accepted.

And life just keeps getting complicated by the minute. Well where to start? I guess I'll start off with the party at long beach. It's funny how everything I wanted from the last relationship, is actually happening on the new one that I am trying to establish. The whole meeting the girl's friends and actually hanging out with them, that feeling is actually quite comforting. But I didn't really expect to be spending time with her friends with her being there as well. But it turns out, i was more than welcome into your group that I got another invite to another party at San Diego, well near San Diego. But the point is, the things that I actually wanted to experience in a relationship, is actually happening right now. So far, I passed the first test. The friends test. I guess I can say I passed that test with flying colors because all her friends seems to be rooting for me now. They finally saw how serious I am about her. Well, perhaps it is too soon to say but, I guess so far they haven't said anything bad about me, except that they think I'm a flirt because apparently, one of my friends is a flirt as well. But the good part, I'm slowly changing their minds. Well after making it through the first test, I was face with another challenge. Meeting the brother. Just when I thought things were becoming easier, life finds a way to turn things around. Apparently she has an overprotective brother, which is only natural because she is the only daughter. So the brother was pretty nice before I actually confronted him that I liked his sister. After that, things didn't go as I expected it. But it brought me somewhere else. The confrontation led to a meeting on Friday, the 23rd. Seems like the brother wants to get to know me through a drinking session. Which is not bad, but only problem is, I need to figure out how I can hang with him because apparently he drinks a lot. But that's not the only challenge now. Apparently, Friday brought another surprise, I'm meeting the parents. Well not much to say really but hopefully I don't give a bad impression. Wish me the best of luck. Friday seems to be a life changing experience.

With every word,

Firsts.

Today was different. Well, everyday is different, but I meant it as, my experience with the same situation is different. They say that when two people begin to like each other, the first few weeks are always filled with sweet talk, sweet gesture, and basically, it's a diabetic experience. But, today wasn't just filled with sweet things, today was more like reassurance. Reassurance for a long-term commitment that we're both hoping to have. Reassurance that we're not gonna end up like other people. Reassurance that giving chances and taking chances are actually worth it. Today I found that reassurance. It may not be all the reassurance I want, but it was enough to satisfy my needs to believe that this is something different. Funny thing is that I probably said that to myself so many times that this is different. But no matter how many times I say it, the meaning is still the same. It is different. I'm glad that it is. I'm glad that I'm not back in my past repeating failed relationships. I'm glad that I'm not chasing after the same thing again. And I'm glad that I have enough experience to actually prevent this one from being just another thing in my past.

With every word,

Keeping to my promise.

It's true that history has a funny way of repeating itself. I guess it was a wake up call to my inevitable nightmare. I've done things I promised my own self I wouldn't do. But sometimes, we all have our darkest moments, but that doesn't mean we should chose to stay in the dark when the light that guides finally shows up. It's the choices we make that matters. Being in a situation and allowing that situation to control your life is just like choosing to stay in the dark moments. I've suffered from the same situation in the past. But this time, I intend to make it right and not for long the time I spend in the dark. I need to find my way back, the way back to my old self. Not the exactly the same old me, but a slightly different old me. This past few weeks, I've seen what I am capable of doing. And honestly, it's not me. I guess being heart broken can change a person. Yes, I don't like admitting it but I was actually hurt. I found friends that helped me get over the pain and made bestfriends along the way to ease up the road ahead. But the easier the road got, the darker the path became. that's when the wake up call rang. It showed me that even if the road is hard, complicated and filled with struggles, it's still better than an easy dark path. So, I ask of you. Set me straight and guide me to a better me. Because quite frankly, I don't like what I've become.

With every word,

Ah,

Eventually, we all find the answers we seek.